Haiku 17 (revised)

black squirrel with fig
in maw busted, hey dude that’s
really good fruit

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6 thoughts on “Haiku 17 (revised)

  1. I love feedback. The original version of this had a bad syllable count, and also felt a little weak.

    “black squirrel with fig
    in maw busted, hey dude that’s
    really good fruit”

    Thanks to @RedRootRaccoon on Twitter for the nudge.

  2. Feel is more important than enslavement to syllable count dogma or technique. The original had balls & style that went well with the anthropomorphised squirrel attitude. The revision is … polite.

    “hey dude that’s really good fruit”: a squirrel would say that.

    No self-respecting squirrel would be caught dead saying, “oh hi this fruit’s really good”.
    No way dude (unless it is a Cliff Richard squirrel?! Please give us back the Jerry Lee Lewis BADass squirrel!!)

  3. Would expanding the apostrophe in the original preserve the ballsiness while getting the count right?

    black squirrel with fig
    in maw busted, hey dude that
    is really good fruit

  4. Sorry but this poem is one of those many, many art situations in which the “wrong” way is the “better” way. Like the Star Trek split infinitive & the “wrong” treatment of perspective in Rembrandt’s “Night Watch”.

    4U it may be tech wrong but leave it alone. I went through the same thing last night on Twitter with the poem “It’s only fair”. The tech correct way was the wrong way.

    It’s the truth of the poem that counts. Anything you do to this will make it worse & that is when you know the work is finished.

  5. Good point Labi. I’ve consulted with the squirrel in question and he agrees, vehemently. (He also said other things best not repeated before running off with two figs, a plumb and the key to the tool shed.)

    I’m reverting to the original. For posterity the edited version is:

    “black squirrel with fig
    surprised in our tree, oh hi
    this fruit’s really good”

    which might resurface as a caption on http://icanhascheezburger.com

  6. I just realized that “really” can be pronounced with three syllables as well as two – which makes the count work.

    re-ah-leigh

    vs.

    re-lee

    The “re-ah-leigh” pronunciation has a certain drunkenness about it. I think this late in the season there may have been some natural fermentation taking place.

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